Giving myself permission

I have to give myself permission… To rest. To say no to an opportunity. To not do anything. The thought process in my mind is direct and deliberate. “You don’t have to write a blog post this week.” “You’re allowed to take a day off.” “You don’t have to say yes just because someone asked.” “You’re under no obligation to answer that email.” “It’s okay. The people who matter won’t mind. The people who mind…

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I don’t want to do anything right now

I don’t think I’ve lost my  motivation…but it’s definitely not running at full capacity. Or maybe I have lost my motivation but I need to believe it’s temporary. There are always work things that don’t motivate — writing content on boring topics, responding to emails, blah, blah, blah. There are always blog things that don’t motivate — updating old pages, working on long term projects (I love hitting publish and long-term stuff can feel like…

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Time off is a necessity

Old habits are hard to break. Including the habit of thinking there has to be a “reason” to take a vacation and also the habit of forgetting I’m in complete control of my schedule. Imagine my surprise when I realized it’s been six months since I last took a break from freelancing and blogging — for Eroticon which was a working trip (an amazing and wonderful one but work was still a big part of…

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What I’m not doing

This has been a strange week. We have a hurricane coming (I live in Florida, and it’s Labor Day weekend — so of course a hurricane is headed our way). That fact alone is enough to pre-occupy anyone, including someone like me who mostly shrugs at the news, but still fills up my gas tank, buys water, and makes sure we have a plan “just in case.” I spend a day combining the vanilla life…

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A perfectly acceptable reason

What do you do when the words aren’t there? I often just wait for them to arrive, but like all worthy, good, and wanted things, they never get here at the right time. They pop into my head fully formed, beating a drum inside my brain, craving attention. And when I tell myself I’ll get to it later, they pack up and wander off. So sometimes I have to stare at a blank screen and…

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When I grow up…

I know who I want to be when I grow up. Somehow, through the power of the internet, I found examples of exactly who I want to become. They don’t write about sex and aren’t (as far as I can tell) kinky. But they are (or so they seem to be) truly themselves. Authentic. Real. They have success I will never have. One is a YouTuber with 7 million subscribers — it would be foolish…

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When I Get To-Do List Fatigue

I consider myself a studier, lover, and delighter (that’s probably not a word) of organization and productivity. It gives me a small feeling of control in a chaotic world and soothes my anxious brain. To do lists are a big part of that. I’ve worked with a to-do list of some sort for about 20 years. That’s a lot of list-making and crossing things out (my favorite part). I don’t have to remember what I’m…

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Rest, Don’t Quit

Sometimes I just don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to blog, record, film, post something on Instagram, tweet silly things, nothing. I manage to get client work done under a certain amount of self-duress. Earning money and paying the bills overrides most other feelings. But fuuuuuck me, I procrastinate and take my sweet as time doing it. For a long time I worried that this feeling meant I wasn’t cut out for being…

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Messy Beginnings

I had grand plans about how I would start this new venture…or experiment — maybe it’s both. I imagined beginning on the first day of the month. Challenging myself to write every day. Coming up with witty musings full of insight. Instead — I procrastinated. Told myself, “It’s not the right time yet. I want to start at the perfect time.” Which, of course, is a lie. There is almost never a perfect time to…

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